Sad for Robin Williams

You know by now probably that famous actor and comedian Robin Williams recently passed away. At the time of this writing it is a apparent suicide. Many emotions flit through my brain when I heard the news: grief, sadness, loss, helplessness, and finally anger. I was angered at the thought that his friends and family didn't see the signs. But I was mostly angry at was him. How could he do this when he was so well loved by so many? What could be so bad that there's no other choice but this? 

I've never had anyone very close to me attempt or commit suicide, so I don't know how it feels or what the signs leading up to it might be, but unless someone just wakes up one morning and decides that day to off themselves, I would hope I could pick up on their despair and divert them from this saddening, unnecessary act. 

I heard that Mr Williams had been depressed for some time. To me that doesn't explain it. That just tells me that there were definitely signs and things those close to him could have done. Of course, I never knew the man personally, I'm just a fan of his work, to put it mildly. So maybe he was just doomed to this end, being depressed all the time. He wasn't as fortunate as us to have his own Robin Williams to make us laugh and cheer us up. Rest in Peace, friend. For your sake, I hope it was just an accidental overdose. 

Let's talk books

So, instead of doing what I normally do and wait for something "note-worthy" to happen or pop into my brain before I write an entry, I'm going to do the opposite and just write whatever trivial thing flies out of my fingertips and hopefully something good will come of it.

I've come into possession of several books recently, which I'm happy about. I like reading. Or at least, I used to like reading. I still like the idea of reading. But for whatever reason I've been seduced by the mind-numbing electronic entertainments of the modern day and my dumb, path-of-least-resistance brain just gravitates towards those most of the time. But with all these new books, I'm going to try a revival of my old bookworm days. And I'm trying to do this thing where I'm reading two at once, one fiction, one non-fiction. Just to keep things interesting. And maybe so I don't get burned out on one book, I can kind of flit back and forth. Who knows. But I used to feel smarter when I read more, so hopefully that will kick in again.

Here's the list of books I've either bought, been lent or been given:

The Enemy, a Jack Reacher novel - given to me by my sister-in-law Brittany
The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer - purchased by myself
The Foundation Trilogy, by Isaac Asimov - lent to me by my buddy David
The Culture of Disbelief - also lent to me by David

So I have quite a broad variety of topics in front of me, and I'm reading the first two on the list currently, mostly because this list is also in order of receipt, so kind of a first in, first out situation.

Also, I'm probably not going to title my posts until they're finished. So that's how that happened.

How about you? What are you reading? Do you, too, struggle with putting down the controller and picking up the paperback?

Five Years Later...

It's like after the dramatic introduction of a scary movie or video game. Something traumatic happens and then we flash forward to now, the nitty-gritty. Well, when my last post was written, I had recently gotten to Biloxi, Mississippi for my first assignment after Air Force basic training. That seems like another lifetime ago. So much has happened since then. Got promoted a couple times, got married to Ashley, got a new job in the AF, sold the truck and got a new car, moved to California, got a dog, got used to California weather, aka can't stand hot weather any more, aka I'm not looking forward to Texas heat again.

Our car, Scarlett

Our wedding ;)

Our dog, Roxie

So, Ashley and I were having a pretty good adventure. Then the neckache that wouldn't go away. Some weird bruises that showed up. Then the double vision that wouldn't go away and was getting worse. We went to the ER, ran some bloodwork tests. Did X-ray, CT and MRI scans. She had a low white blood cell count, but they said that could be several things. They weren't sure what she had so they sent us via ambulance in the middle of the night to Stanford hospital. More specialists there, they say. They'll figure it out and know what to do. Got to Stanford. More blood taken for tests then bone marrow and spinal fluid samples. One more MRI scan and they found it: blood clots in her sinus arteries was causing increased intra-cranial pressure. She was whisked away to the ICU. They debated on whether to go in with a tiny roto-rooter and break them up manually or to give her blood thinners to do it slowly. The doctors told me both routes were very dangerous and, as they were probably legally obligated, told me that either one could lead to the unspeakable. But they went for the slightly less dangerous option and decided to carefully give her blood thinners to get the clots to break down. That night, I thought I might not see my wife alive again. But when I woke up, she was still there. The treatment seemed to be working. Her symptoms were lessening. Test results came back and she was diagnosed with Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia (learn more here and here). Then suddenly the next day, the headache came back as bad as it had ever been, plus nausea and vomiting. Another brain scan later showed hemorrhaging between her cerebellum and her skull, putting more pressure on her brain, affecting her neurological responses, motor skills and giving her heavy nausea and headache. The docs said the only way to fix it, and I was as shocked to hear it as you will be to read, is to cut a hole a little bigger than the size of a quarter in the base of her skull to relieve the pressure, place a flexible mesh which will allow her brain to swell without causing damage, and then sew her back up.

Yeah. Let that soak in.

Maybe read it again.

Turns out, Ashley's surgeon is a stud and the surgery went off without a problem, and apparently they do it "all the time" but when they said they were having to do this surgery, that was the second time I thought I was going to see my wife for the last time. It was not fun. I don't really feel like going into how not fun it was. But she made it through the surgery and began a slow but sure recovery from it.

That all happened in about 10 days. I hope I have encapsulated the sheer and jarringly fast pace that things changed in our lives. Because it seriously shook me up. I was not ready for all this and how can you be? Anyways, it has now been 26 days since we've been at Stanford hospital and there is talk of her being discharged from the hospital next week. She's been getting up and walking around, slowly and with assistance. She's been doing some exercises with the physical therapist. She's been eating more frequently and her appetite is such that she wants solid foods again. But I still remain skeptical of this optimistic discharge time-frame. She seems so fragile still. Case in point, yesterday she was up and about, going on several walks of increasing length, sitting in a chair for her meals, doing physical therapy. Today, she's been in pain, then zonked out from the subsequent pain meds and hasn't done any of that. How am I supposed to have peace of mind that she can function and thrive outside of the hospital when she's this seemingly unstable? I mean I'm all for the power of positive thinking, but I also can't deny the facts and reality. So we'll just see how it goes.

In any case, I haven't retained my sanity on my own. Ashley's parents and sister flew out here and her mom is still here. I've had massive support from friends, family and near strangers. We've gotten monetary support, meals delivered, flowers, get-well and hang-in-there cards, and numerous care packages and gifts. Also had long chats with some close friends, and even some friends I haven't talked to in a long time. And lots and lots of praying. If God receives prayers like emails, I'm sure that I've probably started going to his spam box since all this started. Ok, I know that's not true, but I've been praying daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes every few minutes. And I believe God is walking with us. He's led us to this side of the country to be near Stanford, one of the best places for treatment of her condition. And he's put all the right people in our lives to help love us, care for us and look after us during this period of life.

Well, I've been told it will be good to write things down while all this is going on, so this was a first attempt at doing that. I hope that I'll be able to keep it going, as I usually go long gaps between journal entries. Maybe some feedback will help. Anyways, cheers and God bless.

~Wes

P.S. Here's the blog of Ashley's recovery: supportthestclairs.blogspot.com