I did not self introspect today.

 Well, I guess I almost didn’t. I’m delaying sleep because if I sleep then I’m skipping ahead to when I have to get up and go to work and right now I’m still several hours away from that and I prefer the latter. I would rather stay up and think about D&D and the Mars rover Perseverance than have to get up and go to work. I know that I should just go to sleep and be more rested for the day tomorrow but I guess you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I yam what I yam. A procrastinator. I’ll try again tomorrow. 

Sundays are for Introspection

 So Ialways have a hard time starting to write, but I also know that I feel better when I do write. So if getting started is the hard part, I have to make it easier somehow. So I've learned to start to just write as a stream of consciousness flow for a while until my thoughts order themselves in such a way that I figure out what is at the crux of what I want to say. 

Right now I'm having to contend with the Netflix's Number Blocks in the background. It's a children's educational program about numbers and my son loves it, which I'm glad he's getting exposure and learning about numbers and math, but they're only 5 minutes long so every five minutes I hear the theme song and my son holler out "ANOTHER ONE??!" before the auto-play kicks in and I just say, "yeah buddy, another one..."

I want to have a more regimented way of writing these things. As the title suggests, I want Sundays to be about introspection. Think about what's going on inside my head, my heart, my body, my soul. I want to be more cognizant of the things I'm consuming, via all my senses. I'm not really where I want to be. I am not at the ideal place when I envision the best version of myself; I'm off in a few places. But I don't want to dwell on those shortcomings, so I need to focus on my goals. Then I can be real with myself as to where I am and where I need to be so I can make a plan to get to my goal. Not just wallow in my perceived failings, never doing anything about them. Maybe we need some positive affirmations. 

I'm trying to get better; I'm making an effort, I'm facing my fears and insecurities; That's a good thing.

I've heard that instead of saying you want to be something, say that you ARE that thing and now you just need to do the things required by that something. For instance, say "I am a person who gets up early" instead of saying "I want to get up early" The difference is that in the second statement, you haven't committed to anything. It's still aspirational. in the first statement, you've made the decision. You are that person, so now you just have to follow through and make it true. It makes it easier somehow, to wrap your head around it. Maybe. 

I am a fit dad. I am a loving husband. I am a good friend who keeps in touch with his friends. I am a faithful follower of Christ who loves himself, loves others and loves God with all his heart. 

What are all those things? What does it take? Let's break it down.

Things fit dads do: 

• Eat healthy and nutritious food, encourage his family to do the same. Make it easier for this to happen, help with the meal planning, shopping and cooking. 
• Exercise regularly and encourage family to do the same. Make it easier for this to happen by planning, scheduling and leading workouts with the family. 
• Get enough rest and encourage others to do the same. Set bedtimes for adequate rest, and stick to them, discouraging screen time at least an hour before sleep. 

Alright, that's a start. I'm going to get going with the day before I come back and define the husband, friend and Christian aspects. I'm going to do dishes, start laundry, bake bread and make chili. 

Six. Years. Later.

 Welp. I guess I was right about one thing. I'm pretty inconsistent with this writing thing. I read a little bit of my previous posts. I don't want to dwell too much on the past, I need to focus on the future and making progress, but I feel like I should at least address a couple of things. Since my last post, I've run three Savage Races and one Spartan Race, so I did alright with that one. I've donated platelets around a dozen times. And I've started setting aside $50 a paycheck towards my Edward Jones accounts and increased my TSP contribution to 4% of my base pay, so... I guess I did all my resolutions... from 2015 lol.  It's now 2021. To catch you up, I'm still in Maryland, I have a 3 year old son, Bennett, Donald Trump won and then lost the Presidency and there's a global pandemic that's been pretty terrible for the world but my family and I have stayed safe, although the relative isolation has not been without its consequences. Even an introvert like me is getting chatty with strangers when I happen to venture out for a validated need. 

Anyways, my nagging feeling of needing to get my thoughts out of my head has reached its peak again, so thats why I'm here. Maybe I'll post again soon, maybe not. Also, I'm learning to play guitar, finally. Feels pretty good. 

I have some written journal entries that someday I might try and transcribe to this platform, I haven’t decided yet, but right now this seems like the best place to consolidate my thoughts to. 

I have so many fleeting but interesting thoughts at inopportune times but I will try and record them here. They usually come to me when I’m in the shower or reading my son a bedtime story. 

Oh yeah, neat thing happened today. Mars rover Perseverance landed today, great success, watched it online. They have an internet doodad that I want to try and include in this here blog page. 

Hey, neat. It worked. Good night!

Hello 2015; let's make some changes

Alright, so here we are. A new year. As they say, time marches on.

So I know it's been a long time since I've updated this thing. I'm pretty sporadic in general when it comes to updating journal-type-things or even corresponding with family and friends. One of my many defects. However, I don't know what it is but it seems like when I document things by writing them down I have an easier time remembering details. Or at least I hope it will help. If I write down things that happen, I can at least go back and read about it instead of just grasp at incomplete memories and then give up. Anybody else have this problem, or am I just getting old?

Anyways, the website blog called The Art of Manliness (which is a good site to visit) has for sale these journals that are inspired by a journal that Benjamin Franklin supposedly kept in which every morning he'd write down some good deed he planned to do that day or some positive effect he wanted to have on the world. Then, every night he'd write down if he feels like he accomplished what he set out to do. I didn't buy one because of my historical inability to EVER fill up a journal book, but I thought it was a good idea to both make plans and goals for my life and to document the events of the day. I don't really think I'll stick to a twice-daily journal routine, but if I just planned the next day's goals the night before, I think I can knock them both out in one sitting. I realize I'm writing this one in the morning, but it's Sunday so get off my back.

What would a New Year's blog post be without spouting off some resolutions? Here goes:

• Run a muddy obstacle course (Tough Mudder, Spartan Race, etc)
• Ever since they came out, I've wanted to run one of these, but I never felt like I was in the right physical condition to complete the course without collapsing at the finish line or worse, not being able to finish the course. I want to be able to finish it and be ready for a photo shoot afterwards! So, with this goal in mind, I will develop a training regimen and get back into my warrior shape so that I can help myself feel better, look better and live better by having physical endurance, flexibility and strength. I've even started guilting some friends into doing it with me for that extra accountability factor. :)
• Donate blood as much as possible
• So with this one, in the past, I was ignorant to the true need to donate blood, but my eyes were opened while Ashley and I were in the hospital and she needed a blood transfusion one day but we literally had to wait until someone with her blood type donated blood and they could get that blood to us. I was blown away at the time. I thought that there were just these giant walk-in coolers of blood somewhere just like the freezer section in a grocery store and you just pluck out the ones you needed whenever you wanted. Wrong. The blood comes from people like you and me who just sit in a chair for 45 minutes, eat a cookie, drink some juice and then that LIFE-SAVING blood is whisked quickly away and then gets tubed into some very needy patient who would probably die if they didn't get it soon. So when you see a blood drive sign or the donation buses lined up in some parking lot, don't think "I don't have time to donate" just visualize someone you love who needs a transfusion sitting in a hospital bed, having to wait for a kind and generous individual such as yourself to take a fraction of their day to give the gift of life. So that's why I'm going to donate as much as I can this year and hereafter.
• Begin investing; start making finances a priority
• I didn't really know what to title this, perhaps just "Money" would've worked, but the spirit of this resolution is that I want to manage my money more effectively this year and start really controlling where it goes and how it gets there. For a long time I've just put bills on auto-pay and then paid just enough attention to make sure that the balance doesn't get too close to zero before the next payday. I want more than that now. I want to use a little self-control and start putting away much of the money I just spend because I honestly don't know how much I've spent on entertaining but unnecessary things. If I consciously track it, I'll see how I can cut back and use that money to save up for big things I dream of owning one day: a gun collection, a boat, a Jacuzzi, a sweet car, and one day, start my own business or pool my money and start a business with my friends.

Anyways, those are the big three that pop into my mind. Before this post drags on anymore, I don't really expect anyone to read this because I'm mostly writing it for my own personal accountability and documentation, but if you read it and like it feel free to comment. Have a good one!

Sad for Robin Williams

You know by now probably that famous actor and comedian Robin Williams recently passed away. At the time of this writing it is a apparent suicide. Many emotions flit through my brain when I heard the news: grief, sadness, loss, helplessness, and finally anger. I was angered at the thought that his friends and family didn't see the signs. But I was mostly angry at was him. How could he do this when he was so well loved by so many? What could be so bad that there's no other choice but this? 

I've never had anyone very close to me attempt or commit suicide, so I don't know how it feels or what the signs leading up to it might be, but unless someone just wakes up one morning and decides that day to off themselves, I would hope I could pick up on their despair and divert them from this saddening, unnecessary act. 

I heard that Mr Williams had been depressed for some time. To me that doesn't explain it. That just tells me that there were definitely signs and things those close to him could have done. Of course, I never knew the man personally, I'm just a fan of his work, to put it mildly. So maybe he was just doomed to this end, being depressed all the time. He wasn't as fortunate as us to have his own Robin Williams to make us laugh and cheer us up. Rest in Peace, friend. For your sake, I hope it was just an accidental overdose. 

Let's talk books

So, instead of doing what I normally do and wait for something "note-worthy" to happen or pop into my brain before I write an entry, I'm going to do the opposite and just write whatever trivial thing flies out of my fingertips and hopefully something good will come of it.

I've come into possession of several books recently, which I'm happy about. I like reading. Or at least, I used to like reading. I still like the idea of reading. But for whatever reason I've been seduced by the mind-numbing electronic entertainments of the modern day and my dumb, path-of-least-resistance brain just gravitates towards those most of the time. But with all these new books, I'm going to try a revival of my old bookworm days. And I'm trying to do this thing where I'm reading two at once, one fiction, one non-fiction. Just to keep things interesting. And maybe so I don't get burned out on one book, I can kind of flit back and forth. Who knows. But I used to feel smarter when I read more, so hopefully that will kick in again.

Here's the list of books I've either bought, been lent or been given:

The Enemy, a Jack Reacher novel - given to me by my sister-in-law Brittany
The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer - purchased by myself
The Foundation Trilogy, by Isaac Asimov - lent to me by my buddy David
The Culture of Disbelief - also lent to me by David

So I have quite a broad variety of topics in front of me, and I'm reading the first two on the list currently, mostly because this list is also in order of receipt, so kind of a first in, first out situation.

Also, I'm probably not going to title my posts until they're finished. So that's how that happened.

How about you? What are you reading? Do you, too, struggle with putting down the controller and picking up the paperback?

Five Years Later...

It's like after the dramatic introduction of a scary movie or video game. Something traumatic happens and then we flash forward to now, the nitty-gritty. Well, when my last post was written, I had recently gotten to Biloxi, Mississippi for my first assignment after Air Force basic training. That seems like another lifetime ago. So much has happened since then. Got promoted a couple times, got married to Ashley, got a new job in the AF, sold the truck and got a new car, moved to California, got a dog, got used to California weather, aka can't stand hot weather any more, aka I'm not looking forward to Texas heat again.

Our car, Scarlett

Our wedding ;)

Our dog, Roxie

So, Ashley and I were having a pretty good adventure. Then the neckache that wouldn't go away. Some weird bruises that showed up. Then the double vision that wouldn't go away and was getting worse. We went to the ER, ran some bloodwork tests. Did X-ray, CT and MRI scans. She had a low white blood cell count, but they said that could be several things. They weren't sure what she had so they sent us via ambulance in the middle of the night to Stanford hospital. More specialists there, they say. They'll figure it out and know what to do. Got to Stanford. More blood taken for tests then bone marrow and spinal fluid samples. One more MRI scan and they found it: blood clots in her sinus arteries was causing increased intra-cranial pressure. She was whisked away to the ICU. They debated on whether to go in with a tiny roto-rooter and break them up manually or to give her blood thinners to do it slowly. The doctors told me both routes were very dangerous and, as they were probably legally obligated, told me that either one could lead to the unspeakable. But they went for the slightly less dangerous option and decided to carefully give her blood thinners to get the clots to break down. That night, I thought I might not see my wife alive again. But when I woke up, she was still there. The treatment seemed to be working. Her symptoms were lessening. Test results came back and she was diagnosed with Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia (learn more here and here). Then suddenly the next day, the headache came back as bad as it had ever been, plus nausea and vomiting. Another brain scan later showed hemorrhaging between her cerebellum and her skull, putting more pressure on her brain, affecting her neurological responses, motor skills and giving her heavy nausea and headache. The docs said the only way to fix it, and I was as shocked to hear it as you will be to read, is to cut a hole a little bigger than the size of a quarter in the base of her skull to relieve the pressure, place a flexible mesh which will allow her brain to swell without causing damage, and then sew her back up.

Yeah. Let that soak in.

Maybe read it again.

Turns out, Ashley's surgeon is a stud and the surgery went off without a problem, and apparently they do it "all the time" but when they said they were having to do this surgery, that was the second time I thought I was going to see my wife for the last time. It was not fun. I don't really feel like going into how not fun it was. But she made it through the surgery and began a slow but sure recovery from it.

That all happened in about 10 days. I hope I have encapsulated the sheer and jarringly fast pace that things changed in our lives. Because it seriously shook me up. I was not ready for all this and how can you be? Anyways, it has now been 26 days since we've been at Stanford hospital and there is talk of her being discharged from the hospital next week. She's been getting up and walking around, slowly and with assistance. She's been doing some exercises with the physical therapist. She's been eating more frequently and her appetite is such that she wants solid foods again. But I still remain skeptical of this optimistic discharge time-frame. She seems so fragile still. Case in point, yesterday she was up and about, going on several walks of increasing length, sitting in a chair for her meals, doing physical therapy. Today, she's been in pain, then zonked out from the subsequent pain meds and hasn't done any of that. How am I supposed to have peace of mind that she can function and thrive outside of the hospital when she's this seemingly unstable? I mean I'm all for the power of positive thinking, but I also can't deny the facts and reality. So we'll just see how it goes.

In any case, I haven't retained my sanity on my own. Ashley's parents and sister flew out here and her mom is still here. I've had massive support from friends, family and near strangers. We've gotten monetary support, meals delivered, flowers, get-well and hang-in-there cards, and numerous care packages and gifts. Also had long chats with some close friends, and even some friends I haven't talked to in a long time. And lots and lots of praying. If God receives prayers like emails, I'm sure that I've probably started going to his spam box since all this started. Ok, I know that's not true, but I've been praying daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes every few minutes. And I believe God is walking with us. He's led us to this side of the country to be near Stanford, one of the best places for treatment of her condition. And he's put all the right people in our lives to help love us, care for us and look after us during this period of life.

Well, I've been told it will be good to write things down while all this is going on, so this was a first attempt at doing that. I hope that I'll be able to keep it going, as I usually go long gaps between journal entries. Maybe some feedback will help. Anyways, cheers and God bless.

~Wes

P.S. Here's the blog of Ashley's recovery: supportthestclairs.blogspot.com